Raindrops
by Seta Suzume
Summary: Sasarai reflects on Luc's ideals and actions after his brother's death. Gradually he finds himself hoping to create change, but unsure of how to act.


I don't know why I'm still here, but this morning I got up and sat down in a red chair by the window and I haven't gotten up

I don't know why I'm still here, but this morning I got up and sat down in a red chair by the window and I haven't gotten up. It's raining. A drop of rain slides down the window and I watch it as it rolls like a wave, slowly at first, but then picking up speed, running into the pool of water collecting outside on the windowsill. It looks cold out there and even though I'm warm sitting here the thought of the weather outside makes me shiver. Is each raindrop aware that it will fall and smash to the ground only to be soaked into the soil or evaporated by the sun?

I know it's a silly thought, since raindrops don't think at all, but lately I've been very aware of the icy fingers of destiny shifting it's unsuspecting pawns about me...and me too.

"I too am bound by destiny." That was what he said. I know that it was and is all too true. I regret we were unable to stop him before it was too late, but perhaps we were destined to be too late. People are unable to see things occurring as they happen, but must wait for the blessing...or possibly curse... of retrospect to allow them to put the puzzle together.

I don't believe my younger brother would be able to appreciate this bit of introspection even if he were still with us. I wonder now if I would rather be ignorant of the truth or if knowledge will shed light on things for the better. It is already hard to picture how I felt before I knew or these dark secrets. I was happier. Like the proverbially blissful ignorance I believe.

If a single raindrop decided it didn't want to fall from the clouds, what actions would be taken against it? Would it be allowed to remain in the clouds or would it be forced to fall?

I want to know what pushed him so far. He committed high treason and killed numerous innocent people to achieve his goal. I should be hurt that he used me to further his cause, but I can't be. I was blind to his ambition and gave him far too much trust. Still, even if you don't know him as such, your younger brother deserves to be given your trust. And I feel that he deserved the chance to try and defy fate. Even if no one can. I'd like to have known why it was so important to him, but that's impossible now. I will never see how someone could have felt that living the life you were born to live was a prison.

I worry now that there's something I don't understand about the larger picture, but everyone has limitations and perhaps it will be explained to me someday. I also wring my hands over the matter of how much I should say I know. I don't know if the others realize all that he told me that day.

There must've been something to his sense of justice and his doomed mission for those others to have followed him with such loyalty. Maybe if I had understood I would've followed him too.

If I were one of those innumerable gray raindrops I would simply fall to the ground without ever questioning the reasons and logic behind it. I have faith in people and what they tell me. If I didn't, how could I ever have reached my current state of mind? He was never able to do that.

I think that even as a child he didn't trust the words of others. Looking back, I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I still admire him for all that he did. I don't think I could ever do such deeds. My strength would fail me quickly. Is the power to lead others inborn? Is the ability to crusade with your beliefs and personal ideals a trait which some of us are denied?

I need to learn to think for myself more. My younger brother never told me that in words, but he wanted me to realize that. I'm sure of it. Past all the things he said I know what he really yearned for was love. He had a tough life. And I am certain that in many ways it was much harder than mine. Perhaps he would be proud of me for acknowledging that. Otherwise he would just be apathetic like usual.

When he was young I think he wasn't like that, but the years can change a person. Months can change a person. I don't think I've changed more in my life than in these last few months.

I don't think I've changed _too_ much.

With some strange determination I step forward and open the window all the way. The rain is blown into my face as I stare out into the cold sliding solemnly like funeral tears down my cheeks. My fingers are turning pink from the sudden chill, but the moment is too intense for me to give them so much as a second thought. I close my eyes and placing my hands together I say a final prayer that he might rest in peace. Peace for someone whose life contained only war.

The wind blows harder, making my long robes rustle. I want to just blow away, but I can't. I think I'll let my hair grow out again. I open my eyes slowly, hands still resting delicately on the edge of the window. Farewell...

Author's Note: After much thought, I have taken down the later sections of Raindrops. You can read a little more about this decision and re-read the later sections if you so desire in the fanfiction section of my personal website (use the website link in my profile).


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